dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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