I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
