dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize