LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
