So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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