listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm at about main and main street
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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