dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
