I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
