I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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