My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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