Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i need some magic done to my vagina
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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