There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
