I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
