I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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