cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
as a side note pls kill me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
