that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
accomplished twins. life is a go
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
