They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
