I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Drunk is a universal language darling
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
