She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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