Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize