he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
