And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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