dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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