Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
