Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize