I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
