My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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