I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I can't turn off my feet"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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