Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
