we have pet lesbian snakes
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
