My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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