On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
