who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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