she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
