i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
