watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
