If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
