She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
