We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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