Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Ketchup is God's man juice
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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