I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
