Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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