u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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