i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
