my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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