I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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