This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize