Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
And then he peed in my hair
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