The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
