Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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