this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
