It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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