I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
