My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
