I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You can't motorboat a personality
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize