omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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